And then she puked

This morning, the little bean and I were up later than usual. She has been fighting a cold and when she does, she usually will wake in the middle of the night and not sleep again until I have pulled her into my bed. So there we were all sprawled out like the aftermath of a frat bender, when her little feet got to beating on my chest. That is how she wakes. A lot of kicking. Next thing you know, she is on me, and smiles and smacking hands.

Anyway, it was a bright morning, lots of playing and walking around on her part. I got her dressed, then me, but as we went for the door, she coughed twice, then puked all over me, and her.

Poor little girl. I suppose its a mark of something- compassion or defeat I don’t know- but I don’t care anymore. I cleaned her up, then me, then dressed her, then me, and off we went. She was feeling right as rain after the regurgitation, though I kept an eye on her.

Read Full Post »

Development

You can fill a small Midwestern football stadium with literature and references to the miracle which is child development, how in the course of a few short years they learn to identify others, stand, walk, speak, understand nuanced concepts like leaving and returning, and learn right and wrong.

Yet, after 14 months, I am sometimes more amazed by my own rate of development since she was born.  I have learned an incredible amount.

Everyone who has sniffed a college classroom and most that have entered high school are probably familiar with the concept that life is better when you just appreciate what you have and don’t make yourself miserable wanting things that you don’t.  Its taoism 101, and basic buddhism. We all understand this, even admonish ourselves, but parenthood is like Do-Nothing-Extra bookcamp.  After 14 months, I have realized the importance of that lesson as a way of life.  Most parents are probably the same.

You could have asked me 2 years ago how I was this week, and I would have said, Oh, work could be moving better, and Id like a larger apartment, and my dating life is a little empty and….    But today, you know what?  I am great.  I sat in the sun for 45 minutes today.  I got 7 of the 8 hours of sleep I needed.  C smiled in the car, and I got her to the nanny without incident.  There was sparkling water in the fridge at work.  I am doing really well.

 

Also, I have developed this natural aversion to creating or entertaining drama or needless needs these days.  I do what is necessary, and no more.  And weirdly, though I have half as much free time, I have more free time, if you get me.

I have let go of control.  I can plan to attend a bar b que with friends for a week; buy a gift, and some beer to contribute.  Pack my cigars and C’s bottles and diapers and blanket and toys.  I can clear my calendar, and then get in the car, and wham- she melts down.  You turn around and head home.  The first 50 times this happened I was pissed, but then one day, you realize you are not in control anymore.  And you let go.  And when baby wants to get up at 5:30 and play with your face, you can be pissed or resentful because you feel like you got hit by a 2×4 or you can just roll with it.  Play with baby, because its there.

Someone told me recently that relationships are spiritual.  That nothing can so penetrate into your insecurities, force you to compromise and grow.  Learn to communicate, etc.  Having a kid is like having a live in relationship where you are the only person who ever compromises.  You quickly learn how much of your suffering is stories you are telling yourself, because kids are totally blameless.  You get mad at them, then feel immediately ridiculous.  Its just C being C.

 

So thanks C.  I am a better man because of you.  All the meditation and buddism in the world pales in comparison to my work with you.

Read Full Post »